Most nights are hardly sleep
by SterolineStelena
Summary: This sets of after the birthday call in 3x01. Stefan is desperate and Elena will never give up looking for him. - this will not follow the show or books - How will Stefan deal with hsi emotions, trying to pish them away? How will Stefan stop thinking about Elena? And what will happen when Elena finds Stefan? Can it ever be the same?


I hit my hand against the wooden door, I just kept walking with my head turned towards the ground, crying. I walked in the dirty sand – breathing heavy – thinking too much. I needed hope. I needed _her. _I couldn't deny it anymore, I've been doing it for almost three months, but I needed _her_. _She_ was my hope. I closed my eyes and turned my head backwards, I swallowed, but I could never swallow all the pain I had. All the guilt, all the shame. I walked out of the bar, where I just tortured some werewolves, this wasn't me. Wait this **is **me. I am a monster, I was turned into this when I died hundreds of years ago. I needed to accept it. But I couldn't, if this was me, I didn't want to be me. I refuse to let this pain take over me, control me. I just wanted Elena. I just needed her, I needed to smile, I needed to see _her _smile. I just wanted to know if she was okay, I wanted to hear her voice, make her happy. I wanted to know if she was thinking about me. Because I was thinking about her the entire time. Not a single second of the past three months, that I didn't thought about Elena. And every night, I couldn't sleep, because I just wanted Elena next to me.

The parking lot was dirty, and only a few cars or motorcycles were parked here. The moon was shining and that was basically the only light in my life right now. If I didn't have Elena, there was nothing for me to live for. _**Elena**_ was the reason. I kept walking, until I found something to concentrate on, but I couldn't. All I wanted was to finally be happy again, and the only way I could be happy was to know Elena Gilbert was happy. It's her birthday today. She was at home, probably partying. Probably not worrying, probably she was happy. Without me. I stopped walking. I stood still looking in the front of me. I started to realize, that killing people, acting like I don't care was just a distraction for me. Was just a thing to take my mind off. The reality was… I can't live without Elena. I can't live without hearing her heartbeat, knowing that she is okay. And I needed happiness. Elena was my happiness.

I automatically pulled my phone out of my pocket. I don't know why, or when I decided to do it, it just happened. I turned my phone on and ticket my lock code in, everything went smooth, like I was compelled to do it. I went through my calls, and I noticed Elena's number wasn't in this phone. I have gotten a few new phones over the summer. I didn't blink, I didn't breath, I just stood there. I ticked in Elena's number, why was I doing this? I wasn't supposed to do this. But I had no choice. I knew her number, even if it was hundreds of years later, I would've been able to give you her number without even thinking about thinking what her number was. I slowly pressed number after number, when I had her full number, I slowly pressed my finger on the "call" bottom. I needed _her. _The phone went over, I heard a peep. I started to breathe again, slowly but heavy. Please, pick up, please.. I begged. She had to pick up the phone, what would it matter? I just.. it took a while before there was no peep anymore, did it stop, or did she pick up?

'Hello?' I heard a beautiful angel's voice. I held my breath and listened to hers, her voice sounded wonderful, she was save and alive. I was so surprised she picked up, I changed my gaze and looked at the ground, my jaw dropped and looked up again. Her voice. Elena. The love of my life. Her. The girl I've been thinking about all summer, she was here, and I was calling her. I couldn't believe this was happening. I didn't hear anything else but her heartbeat, voice and breathing. I can't believe after all this time, I'm finally able to hear her voice, I wanted to speak, say everything I wanted to say, cry, beg, but I couldn't say anything. All I could do was enjoy the fact she was talking to me, listening to her voice.

'Hello?' I looked in front of me and tears appeared in my eyes. I looked at the air, I looked at the moon, thanking god Elena picked up.

'Stefan?' when she spoke my name, something went through my body, I shivered and wanted to scream. I gasped air and took a deep breathe, her voice.. with that I felt a tear fell down my face.

'Stefan, if this is you, you'll be okay.' I took the time to listen to her voice, after that I understood the words. She was thinking about me, she cared about, I wasn't going to be okay. I know I'm not. But Elena gave me hope. Her voice sounded like an angel. I loved her so much. I loved her so, so much. But I knew, that I'll never be able to be okay after what I've done. I started crying and looked in front of me. She was here.. she was alive. Elena.

'I love you, Stefan.' With that, I broke. I wanted to speak and say that I loved her back, but instead I just wanted to listen to her, listen to her breathing. I frowned my eyebrows and realized what I threw away, what I pushed away out of my life.

'Hold on to that, never let that go.' I nodded and, I'll never let that go, I'll always love Elena, and she'll love me. I'll always be in love with her. I'll never let _her _go. Another few tears fell down my face and I closed my eyes, I'll be okay.

I took a deep breath and she hang up the phone. No, no! I needed to say something, no, it was okay like this. I didn't need to say anything, it was good. She was okay, Elena was okay, and she spoke to me, I heard her voice, that's all what mattered. I swallowed and started to make a noise now. Klaus couldn't know Elena was alive, he probably didn't, he probably wasn't that interested in what I was doing. All he wanted was his hybrids, all I wanted was Elena, ad of course, the safety of my brother. I proved to my brother today I was gone, I killed Andie. Not that I gave an actual crap at the time but, now, hearing Elena's voice made me realize what I have done but mostly what I have lost. No matter if I wanted to fight for it, I'll never get my old life back, they'll never get the old Stefan. Elena will never look at me the same if she knew what I had done, and she'll know.

Even if I'd ever returned to Mystic Falls, I'd be a different person. Elena, Damon and everyone else needs to accept that, and deal with it. Most of all, I had to accept that and deal with it. But I didn't want to go back, if I only got back, I'd remember how good it was, my old life. I'd rather give myself over to the blood and feed. I'd rather kill an entire town than feel the guilt. And that's exactly what I was doing, I was pushing the emotions away with the human blood. Because it wasn't gone, I still had feelings, but the blood made is easier. If I was only strong enough to face the pain, I'd be next to Elena right now, fighting the urge. But I was a coward, I'd never be strong like that.

I remember that Elena told me once to fight, to keep fighting every day, day by day, until it'll get easier. And Elena just told me that I had to hold on.. I had to hold on to the fact that she loved me. I had to keep going for Elena. And I will do everything for Elena. Even if I'm at my worst, even if I'm killing everybody I look in the eye, I'll do, and always will do everything for Elena. That's how much I loved her.

I wiped my tears away, and put my phone in my pocket. I swallowed one more time and I walked towards the closed door of the bar. Now it was time to go back to the person I was pretending to be for Klaus. Now I needed to go back to being an selfish, bloodsucking monster. And all that kept me from completely going there, was Elena.


End file.
